J.B. Weisenfels has lived in rural Arkansas for three decades. She is a writer, a mom, and a graduate student. She is also an avid collector of tacky fish whatnots, slightly chipped teapots, and other old things. In her spare time she enjoys driving to the nearest creek to sit a while. If you were to visit her, she'd try to feed you cornbread.
I’m aware that it’s going to make some of y’all mad that this title says “Arkansan” instead of “Arkansawyer,” but we’re going to keep having that small disagreement. I’m just following the style of most modern publications, and I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me someday. I think I’ve got an idea about how we can come together, though. How about we spend today discussing all the things that make us mad when outsiders do them? I’ll admit, this particular list is personal. I travel some for school, and I’ve got friends from all over because I’m a writer and well…y’all wouldn’t believe the things I’ve heard about Arkansas. Here’s a list of 14 of those horrors that I wish some folks had learned about before they chose to talk to me. (Y’all feel free to add to more in the comments.)
This is a true story: Someone I know had a Yankee relative who legitimately thought Arkansans didn’t own shoes. It’s okay if you’re rolling your eyes right now. I’d be rolling my eyes too if it weren’t so hard to roll your eyes and type at the same time.
Y’all need to get a handle on this idea that English is spoken the same way everywhere. Do yourself a kindness and dispense with that notion right away.
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4. Speak loudly or slowly because you think we can’t understand you.
This is another true story: My grandmother once told my new-to-Arkansas husband he could take his poor attitude about the Razorbacks on home or kindly keep his trap shut.
We have schools. We didn’t learn civics from possums or English from squirrels. We have actual, highly-qualified human teachers here. Pictured above: not an Arkansas teacher.
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9. Tell us Oklahoma is better than Arkansas. At anything.
If you find yourself thinking that, just don’t say it out loud. In fact, make sure your neighbors are asleep before you whisper it to the cat. I'd also check and see if the cat is a native Arkansan.
10. Make fun of trailer parks or people who live in trailers.
Look, dude in graduate school who recently moved here from New York and wants to talk about the chicken house smell all the time, shut it. Just don’t. Seriously. No one likes you now. You are insufferable and perfectly capable of choosing to make a home in the other 49 states. And don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out, either. Bless your poor heart.
If you’re looking for ways to spot a tourist, try this list.
If you want to provide a list of dos and don’ts for a recent arrival in your acquaintance, send them this.
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