11 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Move To Cleveland

One day it's 50 degrees and the next day your car is buried, you can barely open your front door, and your windows are frosted over. One day your coworker is telling you he's sure it'll be the mildest winter yet and the next day the mail woman is convinced it'll be the worst.

One struggle of changeable weather is that you never know when to pull out your full-on-winter gear. But the other problem is that one day it's cold enough to snow, and the next, it's warm enough to melt the snow and turn it into a sneaky, invisible, icy deathtrap. Even once the roads are salted, the sidewalks stay treacherous for days, until the ice melts totally, or the snow piles up enough to cover it.

When I first moved to Cleveland, someone told me that there are two kinds of winter drivers here: those who remember how to drive in snow, and those who forget, and drive at 20 miles an hour for the first week of snow every year. In Cleveland, it snows for just enough time that we have to deal with it, but not long enough that we are truly used to it.

Especially when it comes to sports. Great wins, great losses, records made and records beaten. These highs and lows are not for the weak. Cleveland pride will put you through the ringer.

I mean we literally can't hold it. In 1974, Cleveland Municipal Stadium had a 10 cent beer promotion. Ten cents for a 12oz (350ml) beer, up to six per customer at a time. This is roughly equivalent to 50 cents in 2016. As you can imagine, things got rowdy fast, and more pitchers than pitches were pitched. Nine people were injured, including players, and the game was forfeited to the Texas Rangers. We also literally stole a few bases that night - they were never returned.

Brunching is a weekend must in Cleveland. There's everything from southern comfort food, to French crepes, to vegan delights. Coffees, smoothies, juices, and bloody marys. If you can't find it for under $10, then you aren't looking in the right place. The same goes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Between the Cleveland quality and the Midwest portions, you might want to buy a gym membership with all the money you'll save. Or just buy more brunch!

In the several months of the year when it doesn't snow, Cleveland is fully accessible by bicycle if you don't want to drive. However, if you need to go far, or it's snowing, or you need to transport something, or you need to get to another county, there are no real transit alternatives. On the bright side, it's probably a great place to be an Uber driver.

Lake Erie perch is some of the best and most readily-available fish around. Which also makes it some of the cheapest and most prevalent. If the menu simply says 'fish', it's probably perch. This one is a bonus if you love perch, but it means you might have to go a little further than usual to find a different kind of fish.

Every. Single. Time. Your friends will ask, your family will ask, strangers will ask, even locals will ask. It's worth coming up with a short answer that will satisfy everyone.

If you're a sucker for the underdog, then you'll find yourself writing books of defenses against haters who've never even been here. It's exhausting, but just look at this beautiful city! It's worth it.

Between the city lighting up and the perfect white Christmas, Cleveland is a holiday wonderland. If your only time off is during the holidays, you might want to make arrangements for your family to visit you, instead, because you're not going to want to leave!